So I wake up this morning and all I see on the news is news about the Oscars. Not really but mostly. I sure there are people out there still dying and shit but right now it Oscars time.   And I am kind of down on the Oscars but I start thinking, and I’m thinking, “You know if I could suck my own dick that hard, I probably would too.”

Nothing says, "I love.....Union busting, health deregulating, and having golden parachutes trickle down my gullet," like this genuine USS Ronald Reagan hat. Buy one today, somewhere.

The only cool thing Reagan ever did was pardon Merle Haggard.

Axe body fragrance is the douche in douche-bags. I can understand how if I was a 14 year old boy with a perpetual boner I would try anything that promised to get me laid, but why would anyone over 20 really ever want to wear this stuff.

Let me just save you some money if you happen to be a user of Axe body spray. There is no scent that will cover up you the stench of your shitty personality, besides Chloroform. The reason I am now writing about Axe body spray is that apparently they have come out with a new scent for women. Now if you are an Axe spraying douche-bag of a man who happens to meet a Axe body spraying skank of a woman,  please kill yourselves before you commit a hate crime against gene pool and produce offspring.

My problem with Axe body spay is it’s whole entire fucking existence, and that there are people who actually purchase and inflict it upon the rest of us. Here is a product that says women are so fucking stupid that no matter what a freaking turd you are our product will hide that smell and they will fuck you solely on the fact that they can’t smell your shittiness. Axe body spray will take the good decision making part of a woman’s brain and beat it to death. I have never seen an Axe body spray package but I am sure that some where on the package it mentions that it works better with Roofies. They should just change the Axe commercial to a some guy spraying a turd with Axe and then showing a woman blowing it, because that is what they are saying. Axe body spray is  saying even if you are a complete piece of shit, women will blow you if you use this product, and if you believe that you really must be a total turd.

Every time I talk with people about Van Halen, and my sorta-love/mostly-hate stance is revealed, there are one of two groups that emerge; those that hate Van Halen so much, and those that love them so much.

I strongly dislike them, not much different than my relationship with KISS. Kiss changed me in a good way I think, but god, they suck.

Same with Van Halen. Just so you know, ZZ Topp is probably the best American hard rock band in my belief, unless you open up hard rock to Iggy, and The Ramones and stuff. Anyway, the over ecstatic Van Halen fan may be the most pathetic, out on a limb, I just spent $95 to see Van Halen play their short-sighted circus theatrics musicianship, upset chumpsters living today. I don’t mean to list these following bullet points so you, like a robot, tell 50 friends that Van Halen never really was very good… but rather, be armed with some ammunition for the over-zealous Van Halen sympathizer. They are a little testy. They  have catty boy-crush-from-back in the day type snappy defenses, watch out.

Just for some cred, I saw Van Halen on the 1980 Invasion tour, they were awesome, really fun, but you know what, fuck them…

#1 Without ZZ Topp there would be no Van Halen, absorb this, for it is true.

#2 Eddie Van Halen couldn’t simply strum Louie Louie unless someone had a gun to his head, that is fucked up.

#3 David Lee Roth is the best part of the band, he is entertaining, but isn’t better than many singers, shit the dude from Foreigner is better than him.

#4 The Van Halen brothers have enlisted their offspring to perpetuate these crimes, poor Wolfie.

#5 Big Bad Bill Is Sweet William Now

I’m really fed up with all the hatred in politics these days. It got me thinking, we need a group of people in congress who understand what it’s like to really be hated, so they have the proper amount of empathy to rule fairly.

I think that we should elect an entire Congress of gays.

The Gays are the only diverse group in America that everyone still hates. If we didn’t, then why do we still give a shit about them and legislate against them. In America it is super easy to figure out, if we hate you then you can’t do what everyone else is allowed to do. We used to try to make up bullshit reasons for discriminating against people, but for Gays we don’t even bother, it’s just basically “no you can’t do that because you’re gay”.

Here is a group that actually has numbers that want to serve in the military, we’re fighting at least 2 wars that I know of, and up until recently we were like “Nah you’re too queer to be shot at.” You really got to hate some one who is basically saying “hey I am willing to be killed defending your way of life even though your way of life doesn’t include me”.

People won’t say it to your face that they don’t like homos, they always say stuff about how they don’t want them married or in the military or some other bullshit. The best I heard was “I don’t want it taught in schools” What the FUCK? Who the hell thinks they are going to teach homosexuality in schools?  I remember some one showing me a report that said they will be discussing “anal sex” in a health ed class for high school students and claimed that was teaching homosexuality. Just because you are in a relationship with an woman who isn’t into having things up her butt doesn’t mean that having things up your butt is gay. If they did teach homosexuality maybe more kids would show up.

Let me re-group. Since there are literally gay folks from every walk of life, we can get a completely diverse group of people in there who all share one common bond of being the outsider at least once in their life. Wasn’t this country founded by a bunch of outside losers who were sick of getting kicked around? Wouldn’t you want a bunch of people who really understood how much life could suck in the House and Senate instead of the complete money-grubbing self-serving out of touch whores who run the place now? Every time I see a politician on TV they are always talking about how they can’t do their job because so and so this and that? It’s not like its an impossible job. You’re fired stop thinking about your re-election and do your fucking job. There is not one politician in Congress who gives a flying rat’s ass about me. So let’s start fresh.

This coming election, why not make the only reason you vote for some one based on weather they are gay or not? Nothing else has worked in the last 20 elections, what’s to lose?  All the reasons politicians give us now are complete lies, and they never do what they say once they are elected. We always ends up with a majority of losers.  So this 2012 make it easy, Say No! Vote HOMO!

DISCLAIMER* I used the term Gay because homosexual is what my dad says when he is trying to be polite, and LGBT sounds like a sandwich)

Rupert Murdoch is back in the news. This time for being on twitter instead of hacking people’s phones. Last time Rupert Murdoch was in the news I would get this weird deja vu every time I saw his picture, like I knew him or something. I don’t know Rupert Murdoch, but I felt I did. I couldn’t shake it. It was totally bugging me. Then one morning I am standing in a hot shower and I look down and I suddenly know where I have seen Rupert Murdoch. I put some tiny little glasses on my ball sack and it looks exactly like Rupert Murdoch. I am totally serious, Rupert Murdoch looks just like my ball sack with glasses on. So at first I was freaking out thinking that my ball sack and Rupert Murdoch must have been separated at birth or something, but realized that it couldn’t be true. So there I am standing in the shower with Rupert Murdoch so I ask “Dude why are you such a dick?” of course he doesn’t answer me because he is a dick. After closer inspection and going online to check out some ball sacks I realized that basically Rupert Murdoch just looks like anyone’s ball sack with glasses on it. If you are a forty year old man or at least got some grey pubes go take a hot shower and then put some tiny glasses on your ball sack and you’ll be standing in the shower with Rupert Murdoch. Rupert Murdoch is a ball sack with glasses. and this totally makes sense since Rupert Murdoch is a complete dick.

I just heard on the radio that the new Tom Cruise dropping is the number 1 movie at the box office. I don’t get it. I have actually never seen a Mission Impossible movie for the basic reason that I can not believe that Tom Cruise is an action hero. Tom Cruise is as threatening as milk toast, he is so bland he is actually beige, also he is really short.  I’m mean the guy is a straight up midget. Think of your shortest friend lop off his ankles and that is Tom Cruise. Now I’m fine with midgets, I’m not a tall guy myself but Tom Cruise is also a member of that psycho cult Scientology, he’s like 4’10″ and a cult member. Why anyone would believe that a little boring psycho midget could save the world is beyond me.

I guess that the only reason the movie is number 1, is that all the Scientologists were forced to go see it 100 times. Tom Cruise is like the highest level Scientologist that you can be, he’s like an alpha beta 12 or something. Everyone in Scientology has a level with a name like theta or beta or delta or some other bullshit, so you know who you have to blow.

Basically a cult, like Scientology, is just a big blow job pyramid scheme. You have to blow anyone above you and you get blown from anyone below you. The whole thing collapses when one morning some one on the bottom level wakes up and forgets to drink the kool-aid and decides that they are done sucking on the shriveled ball sack of one of the cult elders, but instead of getting a federal bailout they just all kill themselves and everyone in the cult. And this isn’t a straight or gay thing. You see all cults are started by creepy old guys who would otherwise never be able to get a blow job in the first place unless they were the leaders of a cult. They are just blow job crazy old creeps. I love a good blow job too but I am not going to go out and start a religion for one. If you know a Scientologist then you know a blow job crazy person, your friend is bj mad. I would like to point out that this is all speculation since Scientology keeps everything a secret but I am 100% sure it is true, because otherwise why would you ever hang out with these people unless they were blowing you?

So Tom Cruise is the highest level you can get in Scientology, everyone in Scientology has to blow Tom Cruise, he does not have to blow anyone, except for L Ron Hubbard’s old magic petrified cock that they keep in a secret shrine some where in LA for all the highest alpha betas to blow and get their super powers from. Apparently Tom Cruise has blown L Ron Hubbard’s old wang so much he can float and read minds. So the Scientologists didn’t want Tom Cruise’s feelings hurt so they made everyone in the cult go see the movie 100 times because there is nothing worse that an angry boring psycho alpha beta 12 blow job crazy midget with super powers in your cult all mad at everyone. They would have to get Jenna Elfman to come in and blow him, since her career is in the toilet these days, they probably don’t have much more use for her other than head fluffer.

Actually I mean Scientology sounds pretty cool if you are one of those alpha beta 12s like Tom Cruise is. I could imagine hanging out with John Travolta and Tom Cruise reading people’s minds and playing practical jokes on them, stopping by the Scientology Center for a lemonade and getting my balls sucked by Jenna Elfman, and then flying off into the sunset, but I can’t imagine a midget saving the world unless it’s Yoda or Frodo sorry Tom

I didn’t see all of the new years special in Times Square but what I did see has burned an indelible image into my mind that shall haunt me to the grave. Was 2011 the year to put dead people on TV? Between Kirk Douglas, the Walking Dead and last nights Dick Clark I would have to say yes. I mean seriously WTF was Dick Clark doing on tv last night.  He looked like a hand puppet, it looked like some one had their hand shoved up Dick Clark’s ass and was trying to make him talk. But the worst part was when the ball dropped and they flashed to Dick Clark and he was trying to kiss that poor woman. My buddy T-Sucks screamed “is he spitting his yogurt into her mouth?” At that moment my balls strangled each other in an act of compassion. I might not ever have a boner again.  And I am not being a dick to Dick Clark. Dick Clark does not give a flying rat’s ass to what I think, in fact late that night as I was going to sleep I looked up into the sky and saw Dick Clark on his private jet flying back to his beach front mansion in Malibu and I heard him yell “Hey Lame, why don’t you suck my flabby asshole since Jenny McCarthy and Ryan Seacrest already have my balls, happy 2012 you piece of shit.”

How far will the shaving industry go to make a buck? The stupid fucker in this photo knows what he is doing; posing for a useless product to bilk money from suckers.

They also know that society really needs a Pubic Saver, not a Goatee Saver… but there he is, narrow-mindedly mugging for Satan’s blood money.

A much more sensitive and important area to guard would be the pubic area, and the public would be truly served. A NardGuard© for men, and a LipLock© for women. These products could be a win win win for men, women and entrepreneurship.

Instead, we have the unimaginative, if not not Salem Witch-Trial-inspired Goatee Saver; an extremely draconian apparatus. Because anybody caught alive with a Goatee Saver in their mouth will never get laid, they could sell more to religious groups that promote abstinence. But No, they target hapless, half-bearded, sweat pant wearing, MMA watching, wish I had a girlfriend, I’m not fully potty trained, I consider khaki a color, dunce, dupe, video game playing, nerd-a-thons. It’s a proven fact that the Goatee Saver is an instrument of the devil, so why doesn’t Satan’s Army market this failure towards church going fol, thus draining their nemesis of their cash resources?….. You give up,  ok, I’ll tell you why, NOTHING MAKES SENSE ANYMORE!

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